Fatal Urge

Episode: Wax Lion

Jaye: “I surrender to Destiny.” Famous last words. Seriously, they put it on bathrobes and stuff.

Jaye: So she agreed to live with the god in the waterfall and became “Maid of the Mist”…And thanks to “Princess” Niagara has remained an enchanted wonderland, despite hundreds of years of commercial development.

Gretchen: Did you end up over-educated and unemployable like you said in the yearbook?

Wax Lion: Word of advice? —Don’t give her money back.

Darrin: Sweetheart, when was the last time you had an orgasm?
Sharon: That sound you hear is stunned silence.

Jaye: Maybe we should trach him!
Sharon: I don’t know, do you have a pen?
Jaye: Fine tip or ball point?
[Cut to Hospital]
ER Woman: We have a stabbing victim!

Sharon: You better stop!
[Sharon throws her shoe at Jaye.]
Jaye: Ow! Oh, that was dramatic!

Sharon: You tell people we’re not related.
Jaye: It was just that one time.
Sharon: It was grandpa’s wake.

Sharon: I’m just curious. How many people did you call before you called me?
Jaye: Five. No, six! You were the only one home.

Boy: What happened to the chief?
Jaye: He died.
Boy: Why did the princess live?
Jaye: ‘Cause she was hot. Are you going to buy the tape?
Boy: No.
Jaye: Then get out. No loitering.

Jaye: Well, just look at them. They all work really hard everyday and they’re dissatisfied. I mean, I can be dissatisfied without hardly working at all.

Mahandra: Crazy insane, or crazy like the time I set up a video camera in my house and pretended I was on “Big Brother”?

Eric: Why do they always sacrifice the pretty ones?
Jaye: I guess killing pretty people is easier than killing ugly people. Although, you’d think the opposite would be true.

Jaye: I didn’t take the monkey.
Karen: Of course you took the monkey, sweetheart. He’s got it all on tape. He put a security camera in his office after that Olsen girl stabbed herself and told everyone he tried to kill her.

[Jaye picks a quarter out of the fountain]
Girl: You’re not supposed to steal.
Jaye: You’re not supposed to talk to strangers, piss off.

Episode: Wound-Up Penguin

Wound-up Penguin: Bring her back to him!

Jaye: This is what cults do you know. Deprive their converts of sleep so they’ll be confused and vulnerable and more likely to do the stupid things you ask them to do. Like drink the kool-aid. Is that what you’re working up to?

Jaye (to all of the “talkers” on her bed): Is there some sort of leader I could speak with? Leader? Hello! Anyone want to let me in on the plan? ‘Cause I’m assuming there’s a plan, a reason for all this. Anyone?

Jaye: What do you get off brow-beating a hooker? Jesus was nice to prostitutes.

Jaye: So was Sister Suzanne mean?
Katrina: She’s a lovely person!
Jaye: I always picture nuns being mean.
Eric: I do too, and I don’t know why.
Jaye: It’s probably because they don’t . . . [to Katrina] although you seem nice.

Jaye: I didn’t pretend to be your friend, I was forced to be your friend. Those are two very different things.

Jaye: Yes, but maybe she’s just a lazy whore. That happens, right? They can’t all have hearts of gold and good work ethics.

Jaye: Just give me 24 hours, and I’ll have her singing “Sweet Jesus” all the do-da-day long. And you can bring her back to Him. All three Hims: Jesus, God, and . . . the other one.

Jaye: Why are you all dressed up?
Sharon: We’re going to church.
Jaye: Is it Christmas? Because if it is, it snuck up on me, and nobody’s getting anything.
Darrin: It doesn’t have to be Christmas for the Tylers to go to church.
Jaye: Is it Easter?

Jaye: The voices, the animals, I was just mad at them. But they aren’t demonic. It just feels like that sometimes when they make me help people.

Episode: Pink Flamingos

Pink Flamingo: Get off yo’ ass.

Jaye: Eric can’t talk right now, because he’s servicing me sexually.

Mahandra: Gretchen Speck is the antichrist — and you’re helping her throw a reunion.

Jaye: I don’t have a choice. I’m a puppet. The universe sticks its hand up my butt, and if I don’t dance people get hurt.

Mahandra: You may be the universe’s butt puppet, but I’m its right hand fist of fate!

Rooster: Destroy Gretchen! Sqwak!

Jaye: Yeah, screw the chicken! I’m going to save that bitch’s marriage!

Eric: So, did you defy the chicken?
Jaye: Uh-huh.
Eric: And how’d that work out for ya?
Jaye: I think I may have killed a man.
Eric: Oh. So not as well as we’d hoped then?.

Episode: Crime Dog

Cow Creamer: Bring her home.

Jaye: Crap. It was the pancake. [to herself] Stupid Cow!
Sharon: [to Jaye] Selfish bitch!

Karen: Sharon, go talk to your father. You’re his favorite.
[Sharon obeys and leaves the kitchen.]
Aaron: I thought I was his favorite.
Karen: We don’t have favorites.

Episode: Muffin Buffalo

Muffin Buffalo: Keep ‘em here.

Jaye: What’s the point of living in a trailer park if you can’t take in the local color? And by that, I mean spy on the freaks.

Jaye: I was just rude to a customer. I can’t be Employee of the Month!
Alec: You don’t have a choice. Peggy said I can’t get it anymore now that I’m management. The honor comes with a certificate and a
parking space on the first level of the structure.
Jaye: I park on the street.
Alec: And the afternoon off.
Jaye: I humbly accept.

Dr. Ron: Are you an atheist?
Aaron: As a theologian, I feel it’s irresponsible to define myself in those terms. But yeah.
Dr. Ron: A theologian who doesn’t believe in God?
Aaron: There’s more of us than you think.

Episode: Barrel Bear

Barrel Bear: Give it back to her.

Alec: Most really successful people are on a solid career track by the time they get to be your age.
Jaye: I’m 24!
Alec: It’s never too late. If you buckle down now, show a little initiative, you can make sure there will always be a place for you here at
Wonderfalls.
Jaye: [horrified] Oh God!

Episode: Lovesick Ass

Barrel Bear: Girl needs a boy.

Lovesick Ass: Girl needs a—
Jaye: Girl might actually find time to have a boy if you’d ever shut up!
Lovesick Ass: …donut. Girl needs a donut.
Jaye: Finally, something sensible.

[Playing with the Wax Lion and Brass Monkey]
Mahandra [mit dem Wax Lion, Jaye imitierend]: Your man-sweat is like honey-mustard glaze on my tongue.
Brass Monkey: Inappropriate touching.
Wax Lion: This isn’t fun for anybody.

Episode: Lying Pig

Lying Pig: Mend what was broken.

Heidi: You’re angry. You should be. What I did was unforgivable. But here I am anyway, begging you to forgive me.
Eric: Don’t get on your knees. Wouldn’t help your case much.

Mahandra: You’re like a brother to me.
Aaron: So, I make love like a black man?
Mahandra: Not that kind of brother, you idiot!

Episode: Totem Mole

Totem Mole: Show him who’s special.

Jaye: An authentic Satsuma totem should not be speaking English.
Totem Mole: I’m not authentic. They put me here for the tourists.

Aaron: St. Paul was just a punk until he was blinded by the light, and Gandhi was just drinking and whoring it up with his friends until he heard the cry of his people.
Jaye: And Neo was just a geek until he swallowed that little red pill.

Bill: Thank you for supporting this imperialist establishment. Enjoy your purchase and have a racist day!

Bill: They really look up to me!
Jaye: Yeah, you made them sit down.

Episode: Caged Bird

Caged Bird: Let him go!

Wade: Is this one of those stores that gives its employees a cash bonus when they apprehend a shoplifter?
Jaye: Ten percent of whatever they were gonna steal! One time I accidentally left the watch case open and I got, like, 500 bucks.

Jaye: I make good life choices—mostly because they’re forced on me—but I make them, and I find myself in unpleasant situations all the time. You know why? Because even if you have a choice it can and will be taken away from you. We’re all fate’s bitch. You might as well go ahead and bend over for destiny now.

Alec: No! Please, don’t kill me! I can’t die! I’ve never been with a woman!
Bank robber: [to Sharon] You . . .
Sharon: I have been with a woman!

[Eric is holding a bag full of Wonderfalls souvenirs.]
Eric: I’d like to return these items.
Jaye: Did they break? ‘Cause we sell a lot of crap here.

Meines Erachtens eignen sich diese kleinen Ausschnitte gut, um ein Gefühl für die Show zu bekommen

The Brass Monkey &
sein zweiter Satz.